


Don't do this to yourself

by AprilsFools98



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Falling In Love, Insecurity, M/M, Protectiveness, Self Confidence Issues, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 05:58:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14395770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AprilsFools98/pseuds/AprilsFools98
Summary: "He's your Achilles heel.Your direct pass to hell and guilt.The boy your best friend loved.You can't think of Todd without Neil's images appearing in your head. Just thinking that Neil will not be able to touch him again, and you have him so close despite not deserving him."





	Don't do this to yourself

**Author's Note:**

> PS: Sorry If I wrote something wrong. English is not my native language, this story actually is written in spanish. But I love DPS so much, I have to do my best.  
> Comments and advice are always welcome.

You want to hold him.  
Wrap your arms around him and hide your face in his neck. Drown in the sweet scent of his perfume.  
That would be a good way to die.  
Feeling something after a long time of absolute anesthesia and beer bottles.  
Getting away from him was useless. You saw him in every person you took to bed. In baby blue eyes, blond hair and shy smiles.  
He's your Achilles heel.  
Your direct pass to hell and guilt.  
The boy your best friend loved.  
You can't think of Todd without Neil's images appearing in your head. Just thinking that Neil will not be able to touch him again, and you have him so close despite not deserving him.  
You would stain him; you would corrupt that spark of hope that burns behind his gaze.  
Your intentions may not be bad, but you've seen too much. That's what the therapist said to your uncle. Too much time in a sick family environment has made you develop unhealthy attitudes. You're self-destructive.  
Todd doesn't need that.  
Would be easier if he stopped staring at you that way. You could handle disappointment. You've been provoking that reaction forever. But every time you go looking for him, he's got that sweet smile tattooed on his face.  
You don't know how much you'll resist if he keeps treating you like this. As if you were a part of his warm world, opening the door immersed in that baggy sweater and the sports pants that accentuate his legs. It's always a struggle when you pass and he jumps into your arms.  
He is a boy who craves affection. But he doesn't show it to anyone. He trusts you.  
He lets you get into his apartment, in his personal space. He leaves the rules of your strange friendship under your power.  
The problem is that if it were up to you, there would be no limits. You would break all the rules until you cannot distinguish where one begins and the other ends.  
The worst of all?  
He knows.  
His eyes speak to you when he thinks you don't notice. His hands that stay linked to yours longer than usual. The heat in his cheeks every time you don't control the intensity of your actions. There are times when you are way too close.  
Your arm on his shoulders, his head resting on the hollow of your neck. The television is on but neither of you knows what is happening, it is simply easier to look forward.  
You could get in his head if you tried. The tension is indisputable.  
But you feel the harsh certainty that his heart is a different story.  
He still loves Neil. He still misses him. And you understand. After all he was like a brother to you. You grew and survived together in Hellton. Neil had a different light, moved mountains and feelings. You on the other side are a cliché. The rebel without cause that makes a lot of noise and attracts the wrong attention.  
Todd is smart, sees through you and your actions, but decides to follow you anyways. He likes all the things about you that he shouldn't.  
You can’t help but lose your mind wondering if there is any real chance between the two of you, or Todd simply has a crush on the idea you represent. It has happened to you before, to get involved with people who don’t want to stay in your life after seeing you act like you are the best because deep down you feel that you are the worst.  
He could do better than you, and it's not about self-pity, it's the truth.  
He actually did it better. Fuck. Is he contenting with you?  
How sick is it just to consider living with that if at least you have him next to you?  
You can visualize your psychologist clearing his throat uncomfortably before responding that you already know the answer.  
You must fix yourself first or you'll hurt someone else.  
And Todd can't bear to break again.


End file.
